A Visitor's Guide to Dallas, Texas (Life in America's Fifth-Largest City)
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS, depending on whether you live inside or outside the LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version
of traffic rules. The basic one is, "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing
as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline," which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00-10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00-7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can be pronounced correctly only by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Ross Avenue, and Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-35 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Fort Worth!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with pink hair in beige Lincoln's have the right of way... always...
12. Storey Lane mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections, unless you are on Storey Street.
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have a working knowledge of Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16. The wrought iron grills on windows near Oak Cliff aren't ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car/pickup with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by on your right.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ [Freeway] is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the
second round.
24. Any amusement parks, stadium, arenas, race tracks, airports, etcetera are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible ... so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
